Finding the balance

Skeletor recommended I see Kieron, the in house therapist whom he used to work with at Alchemy42. Initially the conversation started from what I was worried where I was lacking. I described that it takes me a while to trust people, I don’t completely let go, but when it’s on, everything falls into place. He described this as pretty normal. You connect with those you have similarities or a connection with. Be it a common values, skills, hobbies or even the commonality of being human. I was rather taken aback, because after fifteen minutes it felt like I really didn’t need to be there, nonetheless the session continued…

The main issue with therapy, is trying to figure out if the problem is actually a problem and if it requires professional attention. It is very easy to make an issue more than it is, causing more problems internally. Skeletor stated that my lack of emotional intimacy may be due to the relationship with my mother. Kieron’s idea was it may possibly be the case, or it may be something entirely different. Pointing at specific aspects of your past may cause more problems than solutions, but he was not saying that it would not be good to address the relationship with my mother.

I describe my lack of a connection as being a barrier. I put this façade of alpha, manliness or not weak in front of myself when I do not get a good response from the girl. This is not a conscious decision, more an automatic one and it allows me to see what is happening in the situation instead of being present and going with the flow.

During high school I was emotionally bullied, quite small and from a strict family, which made me fearful of confrontation and upsetting someone. Due to these aspects of my childhood, I forced myself to be masculine, a leader and not be weak. My idea for so long has been, being aloof is strong, being emotional is weak as “I WAS emotional in my past”.

The biggest pill that some PUAs will have you believe is that you can pick up any girl at any time. There are some girls who I’ve been out on dates on who as much as they are physically attractive, their personality has been shit and/or they’ve been cretins. Yet I still beat myself up when I don’t get some sort of close. Sometimes people click, sometimes they don’t. Yes, I am only in the beginning of my journey and I should continue to go as far as I can go to learn, however I should filter for what I like and not get annoyed when we just don’t click.

I mentioned briefly that when seeing someone new, after seeing the girl a few times, I start to lose sleep and wake up with shallow breathing. This a mixture between being unsure about what is going on and playing with my own emotions. Kieron elaborated this by stating that dreams often play out our worst fears about trusting people and this is normal given my conflict over intimacy (not letting my emotions go, being hard but not soft). He gave me an exercise of writing down what I am most scared of when starting a relationship. This is purely to make my fears known, so I address them consciously or automatically when I am in the correct position.

To address the issues that have arisen, I will need to find the balance with my emotions. I have neglected my emotions. If I fuck up accept it, be in the moment, let girls inside a little bit more, but don’t go over the top and let them know everything, there is no need for it. Game has taught me that women want to learn about their partners to use their imagination (the mystery).

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